Friday, January 7, 2011

Arranged Friendship.

When you move anywhere different I suppose it is hard to meet new people and make new friends. When you are a girl who has had trouble all her life feeling comfortable enough to make friends with ease, it is extra tough. I said to Michael tonight what I have been thinking about for the past few days, "It takes me a good six to eight months of working/schooling with someone every day in order for me to even think about being comfortable hanging out on a weekend." He laughed and said he was going to write that one down. I told him I would write it down. It is true, and I will not be slow to admit it! I feel more comfortable giving a presentation to a room full of 150 college students than I do riding in a car with a girl I have worked with for a few months. I would love to just wear a shirt that says, "shy and slow to warm up". Maybe people would have a bit of empathy for me and not just think I was being rude, which is what my anxiety ridden mind figures most people come to believe.

One of the reasons I married Michael and had the guts to follow him across the world is that he holds the opposite friendship making power. He has made plenty of friends here already. I knew we wouldn't just be lonely shut ins here in Jeddah, even if I think sometimes that I want to be. We have been invited to many lunches, dinners, and outings to the sea. A challenge for me here is that traditionally when you go to dinner at someone's home, the husbands go to one room and the wives go to another for the entire night. I have refused each and every invitation like this so far. I can not go without my Michael Abraham shield, and I just feel that it is wrong and a strange thing to do. If we are invited to the co-worker who I have head so much about's home for dinner, I want to meet him, not just his wife in another room. I put the burden on poor Michael to explain to them that I am not comfortable with this set up, and sometimes people comply and sometimes we just don't go. This is something I am planning on getting over (eventually) just to be more polite. :P

Last night I went to our friend's villa for dinner with just Mariam. We have been to their home several times as a family, and I had met this couple before we even moved. So I am finally somewhat comfortable sitting alone with this woman. My arranged friend Fartun. That is what it feels like to me, an arranged friendship. We don't know much about each other, we didn't pick each other. But, we are two Minnesotains in a strange country, and our husbands are good friends. So we are friends. She is really nice, and we are getting to know each other. I still feel great anxiety over this arrangement. What if she doesn't like me and we just have to hang out because we feel obligated?

Mariam and her arranged friend Thaina

If you don't work, and you don't get out much in Minnesota, you really never ever meet new friends. Here the socializing is different. Perhaps one of my biggest social nightmares came true tonight. We were at a mall (big surprise) and Mike saw a student he knew from school. A kid who is in a different grade than he teaches, but he knew him because the boy has such a reputation for being a trouble maker. Mike waved and said hello, and we went over and met his mother and little sister. His mother is a Moroccan who grew up in London, so her english is perfect. She seemed a little older, and had that agressive middle eastern hospitality along with diamonds all over her. She asked how I liked it here (fine), if I had friends (yes), if I was working (not right now). Michael chimed in on the last one that maybe later, when I became more adjusted here. She replied, "Oh she does not need any time! It is good here, easy to get used to, not like in America or Europe!" Then she asked me for my mobile number and said that we could get lunch one day and that my little girl could come too. Ok...
EAT LUNCH WITH A STRANGER! NO! GIVE MY NUMBER TO A STRANGER! NO! Mike does not even really know her son! Why is this happening! I was conditioned a little to heartily with stranger danger as a kid, and I still have not gotten over it. Michael says this is how people do it here. You learn someone's name and then you go do things with them, no thoughts about it. Bah. I want to toss my phone into the Red Sea and hide with the garbage cats. What if this woman calls!?

I know what I have to do about all of this though. My dad has told me since I was six. Get over it, look people in the eye, and say hello.

4 comments:

  1. Your dad is right. I think you should be more frightened of the garbage cats than of strangers, honestly! At least people can understand what you say! :) Nevertheless, you are a lovely and smart woman. Remind yourself of this frequently. Really, do it. You moved across an ocean to a brand-new-to-you land, which is something most people are scared to do. You can do pretty much anything.

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  2. Hi Tontie! Since the first time I met you, I thought you were someone special. Not just because you are my daughter's friend (and she only hangs out with wonderful people), but because you have a special way about you. Yes, you are quiet and maybe a little shy, but you are a very interesting and sweet person. Someone everyone wouldlike to be friends with. I hope you can get over your concerns and feel comfortable with meeting new people. Someone as great as you should be friends with many people! This is such a great experience for you, don't let it pass you by! Enjoy it fully!

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  3. Oh Tontie - I love you!! When was the first time we hung out - do you remember? I hope so - I can't remember! But I know maybe we were both a little shy, nervous, and slow going. And it was kind of arranged as I knew Mike from work, and you were his girlfriend, Tontie. But look at this wonderful friendship we have now! And so many fantastic memories of walks through loring park, trips to spyhouse, shopping dates, valentine card making, too many nights at triple rock, and french fries at market BBQ!
    Maybe you will find some version of that all the way over there!
    I want a Tontie hug!!
    Xoxoxo

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  4. Ahahaha!! Oh my gosh, when you figure this one out let me know... I empathize more than you can imagine. And ps- our car rides seemed to have turned out okay ;)

    ~Britt

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